Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
