I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
