My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
