guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
