Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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