The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
