Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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