Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
