Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
