Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Randomize
