A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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