You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
What did we do last night that was yellow?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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