I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
