last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
