My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
