I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
