well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I am available for nakedness
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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