you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
