You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
