Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
