Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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