it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
