i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
