he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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