you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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