im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
