I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
