my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
