so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
