I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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