Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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