So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
