I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
