What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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