I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
