so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
