I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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