dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
