You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you traded sex for a burrito?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
