the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
