two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
