I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Randomize
