hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
