You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
