i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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