and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
