I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Sorry about my life...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
