my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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