I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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