u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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