There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
