Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
