masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
