I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
