Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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