Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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