I bet he comes in French.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
